This must be the obligatory quarterly loneliness pity party.
I’m hurting pretty badly and have been for some time. It’s really, really lonely. I’ve driven off or drifted away from just about everyone. This is felt all the more sharply for having gotten out of my shell this summer and hanging around Sara. The thought of going back to the way I was is intensely frustrating. But I don’t know what else to do. My confidence of being around other people and having a positive, engaging, attractive persona and attitude is shot. It’s much more likely that I’ll say something stupid and insulting to them.
I’m so angry. Furious that things have backfired and turned out the opposite of what I expected and what I wanted at the beginning of this year. There’s always been a lot of anger inside. For years I swallowed disappointments, frustrations, and insults. Sometimes it was an attempt to be magnanimous or to keep from jumping to the wrong conclusion or for fear that conflict would end a relationship. It’s so close to the surface now and the only one left to be angry at is me.
I’m so angry that I can’t put it into words. It stays there not dissipating. This is not how my life was supposed to go. If I had only done this or that, performed better, tried harder..
There’s not anyone that I can talk to. No one has that I feel connected to. Gma even goes through a similar kind of thing, but her outlook is very different. Jessica is somewhat similar, but doesn’t talk about it. Christopher is gone. Mom never really was there and she’s going through her own issues. Heather and I are just polite. Patience is very much going through something, but Adam and her ex take time. Actually, no one in my family connects, though Christopher is the closest. Rebecca is tempting, but it’s so bad this time I don’t want to be seen like this. I must be leaking negativity out all over the place and with other people I can put up a sufficient front.
In one direction I’m furious and hate myself with a passion I used to feel for programming. In another is absolute terror at truly answering what I want to do with myself, standing up for myself, and being honest. There is fearing of asking for help and being judged. This likely either leads to accepting my current mundane, droll existence or facing my fears. In the middle is me.
I want to choose to make myself choose the leap of faith and facing my fears. That’s why I slowed talking to my family. It hasn’t gone well. I’m very stubborn and scared.
Repeated attempts to distract myself with games, gadgets, programs, projects all fail except the therapeutic ones around the house like painting and staining. These progress slowly as issues come up. This cycle has repeated so many times I can even tell when I’m putting myself on with another grand thing.
I’m so afraid of being myself that I block memories of the good advice I have gotten from Bridget and Rebecca. It’s surreal to see yourself purposely forgetting something as the other person is talking. Since I can’t seem to answer the question of what to do with myself I think that means I’m also blocking the answer.
I’m pretty despondent over this whole thing. No friends. No advice. No one understands. No confidence about meeting other people. No help. Everything seems to remain the same. This is a depressing life and it just seems to stretch on in front of me. I’m afraid of doing anything different. It might make it worse and I know not to trust myself to make it better.
My plan is to continue working on the Laundry room, reading 1-2 books a week, and wait. Hopefully, this feeling with lift, shift, or dissipate and I’ll basically be where I was this spring like last spring. I was pretty upbeat and hopeful then. It takes months to get that way.