So, before I wrote the preceding post I wrote another one. The need to hold the emotion still for long enough to write it down and explore it exasperated a sensitive situation. That feeling held on for much longer than several minutes and was ready to be called again a couple of weeks later. I’m posting it here with very little editing, because on reading it again, it strikes me as very good and more importantly honest.
What do I want?
To not experience this feeling. It’s intense, heavy, loneliness. It’s based on an absence of something. A hunger or deep emotional need. My chest is thick like from a heavy congestion. I’m tired and intensely focused inward, because the outside and all the people in it don’t satisfy it. It’s like a black hole drawing me inward.
What I want is the lack of the lack. I want that safe, loved, comfortable, satisfied feeling that comes from cuddling up to someone. Looking into their eyes and seeing the same love reflected back at you. Where a pet returns this feeling it is tame compared to connection with another animal of the same species. I want to be held and to hold. To pet and touch. Stroke and stare into the other person. To feel that connectedness. To be loved.
I feel as if my whole life has been without love. Though I know there were moments with Bridget like this at the beginning, but I don’t remember them.
Love from parents, siblings, family, and friends is different. Love expressed through actions, but lacking the depth and intensity of a lover.
I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. Just that something is there and I’m desperate to find out what is there. To know someone else intimately. Completely. And to love them all the more for being themselves. To see the reciprocation in their eyes.
This need is intense and desperate. A crazy willingness to do anything to get it. That, I know, is the destructive side. Blind emotional response leading poor decisions. But to step into that flame. I want it so badly. That want is the cause of the pain.
This is were I curl up into a ball with my pillow in the center. I focus on that feeling and imagine some situation with another person where that feeling is satisfied. Eventually, it calms. I know it only sleeps to be awakened on another occasion when I’m reminded again that I want and can not experience this.
When this feeling is too intense to be relieved by fantasy I scream inside my head as loud as possible. It hurts and I cry and ask why. How can life turn out to feel this way? It doesn’t seem right.
They tell me that choosing the wrong person to share this with is bad and I have been concerned my whole life about that. And I can certainly understand this by seeing what others experience and empathy with them. At this point it’s hard to care.
For even a taste, I’m tempted to give up everything. The temptation, not commitment, is what keeps me where I am. It seems so hard.
Oh, to rest for a short time. This pain takes a lot of energy.
Most of the time I ignore it. An elephant, one of many, in my head. I know not to think about certain things.
I’m writing this down and have tried to hold this feeling still for an hour in the hopes of obtaining some service from it. Service to others or myself. There has to been a reason I feel this way.
Is it to choose logical thought over raw emotion? To write this down and in my attempt to make sense of it to help some else? Is it a lesson I have or haven’t learned. What is this? Why do I feel this way?
What is my response supposed to be? Am I called to satisfy this need, ignore it, remove/reduce the attachment that creates it?
Why does it hurt so bad? It’s the button that got pushed the most with Bridget and is the cause of much of the pain getting over that relationship.
So, much pain. I sit here and stew in it to record it in order to make sense of it and do something toward not experiencing it anymore.